Why Writing?

Here we go, let me try this again…

So, let me pick up my story where I left this space or blog. I mentioned before that school was a big part of my life when I was young. I made few special friends and I could talk to them or about them for hours in all possible ways. Unfortunately, when I graduated from secondary school, I couldn’t maintain those relationships. I became sort of lonely and depressed; I didn’t have that special person to talk with anymore. At this stage, the idea of writing came along. Because there was no body to listen, I thought I’ll spell it all in paper. Yet, I never committed to it. It is not a daily routine. I don’t have a special notebook or favorite pen.

The truth is I’m a messy person; I’ve never been a planner. You can imagine the frustration when I have so much in mind but never found the place for it. Writing is sometimes out of inspiration. I felt inspired so many times, and I told myself that I can remember what I thought of later. Guess what? I never remembered a thing. Other times, writing comes through experience. When I live in the moment, I feel like I have pages to fill. But when it passes by, I would stumble upon what to say because my emotions are not as heightened as they used to be in that moment. This is why I don’t write often when I should.

However, writing have always crossed my mind as long as I can remember. I have never called myself a writer nor did I ever kept a dairy with my writings. They say writing is therapeutic, and I also see it that way. I don’t write necessarily to deliver something of value. I write what I think because once it’s somewhere else, it’s off my mind.

I wanted to be consisted with writing but never found the time for it. The past few years, or I should say several years, I have moved from being nothing to be a full-time student, being engaged, being married, being pregnant, and finally being a mom. Needless to say, it’s a lot to go through and in a quite fast pace too. I have been pretty occupied most of the time. It was a lot of a change to adjust to overnight. Another reason why I like writing is because I like to keep record of the moments and emotions that I felt in my life. That’s why I am back now to remember what I have been through with you.


A Tutor Diary

Yes, you’ve read the title right, I’ve got a job as a tutor! Actually, I didn’t look for a job, but the job looked for me. There is some place in my town where schoolgirls get some help with their schools. They needed someone to teach English. Since I’m well-known to be good in English + an experience outside the country, who could they find better for this job? So, they called to see if I can make it. To be honest, I was hesitant, I said: yes I know English but I don’t know how to teach it! Then my mom told me it’s okay, go and try; if you didn’t like it, you can quit. So, I accepted it.

I wasn’t so excited getting this job. At the beginning, it seemed fine to me. Then I started to notice inappropriate behaviors from some of the girls I teach. Sometimes, they don’t bring their books, and I become like how can you learn without the book?! I really can’t see the benefit of teaching without it. Some girls are being rude at times and admit that they don’t want to learn! I wonder why would they bother to come and waste time for?! I even asked them, why do you come here if you don’t want to learn?! The answer seemed obvious to me even if they didn’t tell. I think most girls were sent by their parents; it’s not their choice to come. Well girls, your parents want to help you, I want to help you, and you should appreciate that!

I really feel how teachers feel now. Sometimes I found no response from some of the girls. I wondered if there’s something wrong. They told me that my voice tune is low! I said to them, well this job is new to me, and I don’t use my voice that mush. So, I can’t raise it to a high level suddenly. And at times, some girls show no interest, which is annoying to me. They make me talk in a sarcastic way which I don’t like to do usually! And what makes me angry the most is when they say “it’s difficult!”. I say: listen to me first then try, and it won’t be that hard! Clearly, these weren’t the best feelings.

Now, what can I say about the good things? Well, being a teacher of anything (in my case English) feels good because you’re the one who knows all about it. People around you may look up to you and ask you questions. I could see the admiration looks in their eyes, and I got some really nice compliments! Also, I got to know some people I’d never thought I’d meet. For example, one of my students was my sister’s best friend. I can see now what makes her special. Another girl was a sister of a girl who was once with me in elementary school. I felt happy that I actually could reorganize her face, and hear from her about her sister.

As any job, I got paid for teaching, but what I really wish for is not money. It would make me satisfied just to know that I actually helped somebody! And the best reward is to get respect in return.

So, I guess I can say now that being a teacher is not that bad. Actually, it’s been quite interesting to be a teacher at this young age. I gave the girls a message that I’m not very much older than you, but I still can be good to teach you. I’ve been teaching for about two months now. It’s not that I liked it that much, but it’s good to have a commitment! To me, to be committed to do something is more like to be living! Perhaps it’s not only me who think that way.

The last thing I have to say is I remember when I was in secondary school, my English teacher told me once that I can be good in teaching English. Though, I never felt like I want to be a teacher. Yet look what I have become now! I realized that no matter how much we disliked something that we still have a chance to do it! What I want to say is: you can’t avoid things just by hating them. The real judgment doesn’t come by random thoughts; it comes by experience. So, don’t judge unless you experience things to see how will you react to them. You never know what your destiny will be, do you?!

Finally, thanks to mom for pushing me to this job!

I and School ~

I’m now twenty years-old, which means graduated from secondary school two years ago. I’m guessing now that what you want to know is what I have accomplished after school? Oh yeah, everybody is wondering, even me!

When I was a little kid, school wasn’t really interest me. Maybe in a period of time, I hated school or I should say I thought that I hated school! Sooner, I realized that school is my life. It’s the only place I got to go to, and meet with the people I love, who I actually would never met if I didn’t attend school in the first place. I loved school; I sure miss those days I spent there.

My life has become so empty ever since I left school. I didn’t think that leaving school would make such a big hole in my life. Maybe that’s why I never made a plan for my future. The worst thing after school is that I messed up every chance to get into a university because I found no encouragement from my close people. So I stayed at home for one year without school, which I really hated and couldn’t bear. Then I decided to go to the US with my friends to study there. But for some reasons, I changed my mind. Then I went to the US with my sister, who was already about to finish school! That’s why I’m home now. I stayed in the US for two semesters, finished the ESL program only.

I in the ESL program graduation ceremony!

I used to think that maybe if I went there (to the US with my friends), things would go right. Then I thought how would I know? I absolutely can’t know at all! And if there is anyone to blame for where I am now, then that person would be me! I have had choices (everybody does) and I can’t blame anybody for making wrong decisions but myself. I discovered that recently, and yes I’m a bad decision-maker!

So, I was kind of in a shock because my education issue went wrong. But I’m over it now, I survived! School isn’t everything; it doesn’t matter much for me anymore. And what would school matter for a Saudi girl anyway if she probably will end up at home?! I mean what is the percentage for getting a job in our beloved country?! What do we go to school for?! Do we just want to gain more knowledge? Well, I think there are other sources for knowledge. Or is it to prove to ourselves that we’re capable to do what others did, i.e. they’re not better than us?! Or we just go to school to show up?! Is to be educated means to get a piece of paper only?!

All these were just thoughts to convince myself that school isn’t important. The truth is I still care! At some points, I feel angry inside because I started a journey and couldn’t complete it. I feel like forced to live in a life where I don’t belong. I may be here at home physically, but my brain is telling me: you should be there studying in school.

And the question remains: Does school really matter?

I heard all the talk about the anonymous future, and that having some kind of certificate or degree might be helpful somehow. Yet maybe we should trust God and believe that he will be always there for us. Besides, I know how it feels to achieve something and succeed. Perhaps success isn’t only in school; life itself is a school that we never graduate from! And our lives are in our hands if only we could make the right decision. The things that we want do not make life, we make life! We just have to be patient and satisfied with whatever God gave us because he knows what the best for us is.

At the end, at least I have the secondary school certificate, which maybe there are some people in the world want to get it, but they can’t! So, thanks God for what I have!

I don’t know if my thoughts are right or wrong? You tell me what you think?

And by the way, today is my birthday (12\18). Wish me a better year!